This is my big sister, Emma (at least that is what her shirt says):
But, my mom says that I have to be nice to her, and that she has to be nice to me. Oh well.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Ethan Says Hello
Hello, my name is Ethan:
My mother says I have cute dimples.
This is my big sister, Emma (at least that is what her shirt says):
Sometimes, my big sister makes me feel like this:
This is my big sister, Emma (at least that is what her shirt says):
Monday, August 15, 2011
My Darling Little Girl
My little Emma turned two on Sunday. It sounds so cliche, but I cannot believe how quickly the time passed. One of my friends reiterated the old parent saying that with raising kids, the days are long, but the years are short. How true.
My in laws and great grandmother in law came up to San Francisco for a quiet birthday celebration. We went out for a birthday dinner at Mayflower on Saturday, had cake on Saturday night, then opened presents on Sunday morning.
Just look at her eyeing that piece of birthday cake!
She doesn't really get to eat sweets very much, so anytime there is cake, Emma gets super exicted and starts to sing Happy Birthday, no matter whether it is anyone's birthday or not!
Here is my darling first baby on her actual birthday (ignore the smudges around her mouth, which is probably leftover from breakfast-oops!).
She took in quite the birthday gift haul - she got a puzzle set, hair ribbons (two of which she is wearing in her picture above), a cute ladybug bag, books, lots and lots of stickers (her current obsession), a Hello Kitty doll and coloring book, a lunch box set for preschool and birthday money from her grandmothers, grandfather, great grandmother, aunts and uncles and cousins.
From us and Baby Ethan, she got a play kitchen and play pots, pans and cooking utensils. She played with the kitchen, cooking and making thing all morning long on Sunday. I love her bed head look in the picture.
Emma also starts preschool tomorrow. She will be going two full days a week - Tuesdays and Thursdays. She had two trial run visits to the preschool last week, and she loved it. The preschool is one of the "right" preschools in San Francisco (one that is a feeder preschool for desirable San Francisco private kindergartens), and we were surprised that we were able to get in without having to wait over a year to be pulled off the waitlist. We just got lucky one day when we called the school and they told us that there was an immediate opening, and would we like to take it, since we just happened to be calling that day? I will never understand the San Francisco preschool admission process. The funny thing is that the opening happens to be in the preschool's Jewish traditions class (the preschool does have other non-Jewish classes). Hee hee. So each morning, Emma will participate in a Shalom circle. She will also learn about Jewish holidays and sing and learn some Jewish children's songs. Since she won't attend on Fridays, she will miss the school's Shabbat, where all of the preschool's children partake in challah bread and grape juice, and someone comes in to say a blessing. I think her preschool and special class will be interesting for Emma, and she will also learn some great communal values!
My in laws and great grandmother in law came up to San Francisco for a quiet birthday celebration. We went out for a birthday dinner at Mayflower on Saturday, had cake on Saturday night, then opened presents on Sunday morning.
Just look at her eyeing that piece of birthday cake!
From us and Baby Ethan, she got a play kitchen and play pots, pans and cooking utensils. She played with the kitchen, cooking and making thing all morning long on Sunday. I love her bed head look in the picture.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
A Lot Has Happened! (Baby Ethan's Arrival and an Ode to My Mom)
Firstly, and most importantly, our son, Ethan Jung-Bin, was born on Saturday, July 9, 2011 at 3:44 PM. At birth, he weighted 8 pounds 11 ounces and measured 20.5 inches long. From start to finish, the labor and delivery took about 14-15 hours which sounds long, but is still less than half the time it took for Emma to enter the world!
Look, he has dimples!
He looked so much like his big sister when she was first born. At birth, Emma's head was definitely bigger and she had a lot more hair. But, because of his size, at birth, Ethan looked like Emma at two weeks or older.
Here's Ethan a few days after we came home from the hospital:
Here's Emma, in virtually the same pose:
So why did it take so long for me to write Ethan's birth blog entry? Well, let me tell you - this may be TMI (too much information) for some, there will be talk of breasts and nipples!
I got home from the hospital on Monday afternoon. My in laws arrived for a three day stay on Friday morning. I was recovering from delivering Mr. Big Baby. I thought the recovery was going ok, certainly less painful (and fewer stitches!) than the recovery with Emma. But then, during the in law visit, I got mastitis in my right breast. For those who don't know what mastitis is, it is a breast infection caused by clogged milk ducts. It causes fever, chills, flu-like symptoms, including all over body ache, swelling and tenderness of the breast and exhaustion. Lucky me, I got all these symptoms in spades. To make matters worse, Ethan, just like his sister before him, had caused cracked and bleeding nipples during his breastfeeding sessions. On Sunday morning, my sister in law and brother in law arrived. My mother in law had a small birthday BBQ in our newly remodeled backyard (a post for another time), but I was too sick to participate. All our guests left late on Sunday afternoon, but I was still feeling very crappy. One of the remedies for mastitis, in addition to antibiotics, is to massage the affected breast with hot compresses. Well, when the breast is swollen and tender to the touch, the massage can be downright painful, and each time I fed Ethan (every two hours), I had tears in my eyes from the pain of the mastitis and his suckling on my raw, bleeding nipples.
On Sunday night, I got mastitis in my left breast. I couldn't believe it - both breasts were now infected and so painful. The fevers came back because of the new infection and it seriously took so much of my energy to move. Each breastfeeding session, with the massage, feeding and pumping out the extra milk, took over an hour, cutting into the time when I could sleep or rest between feedings. I think I was also just plain exhausted from recovery, staying up at nights with Ethan, trying to spend time with Emma, and visitors. It was all too much, too soon. During this time, Emma was being so great, kissing her brother on his head, patting him, calling him Baby, and coming to my bedside for stories. I felt horrible emotionally because 1) Emma was getting so little attention from me, and 2) breastfeeding, something which I thought would be easier than the first time around with Emma and would be a beautiful bonding experience, had turned into something so overwhelming and painful. I was so close to giving up breastfeeding Ethan, and I cried a few times from pain, sheer exhaustion and guilt.
Finally, on Tuesday, I started to feel better, where I could move around some. My doctor had warned me that I needed lots of rest and sleep to fight off the infections, but seriously, try doing that with a newborn and a toddler in the house.
On Thursday, we got notice that my father, with whom I do not really speak (for so many reasons which are not for this blog), was coming to San Francisco from Korea for a FIVE DAY stay starting on Saturday. He gave us two days notice - so freaking typical. For those who don't know my father, the news of his visit was not exactly good. He is not the type of guest who is easy and he is demanding and very high maintenance. Oh, you might think that this would change because he would know that we have a newborn and toddler in the house, and that I was still sick, but his behavior was pretty much as expected. I won't go into all the details here, but our entire household breathed a sigh of relief when he left for Korea this Thursday morning, without TOO many incidents during the visit. I will say that he was besotted with Emma (not so much with Ethan, but I guess that is because newborns don't really do very much in terms of being entertaining), and I was glad that he got the opportunity to spend time with her. She impressed him by knowing her letters and speaking Korean and English and just being overall cute. As a side note, just to make sure that the I knew the universe was laughing at us, during my father's visit, both my mother and I caught bad colds, from which we are only now just recovering. Still, a bad cold beats mastitis any day!
In addition to chronicling my crazy post partum, I also wanted to use this post as an ode to my mother. I swear she is like Superwoman, and I just don't know how I would have gotten through these past three weeks without her. She was there, doing all the things that I should have, or would have been doing, had I been feeling "normal." She cooked and cleaned for all our guests, and she made sure that there was always something to eat for Emma, husband and myself during these past three weeks. She entertained Emma when I couldn't and when husband had to go back to work after the first week and took her on walks and to the park everyday. She was the one who stayed up with me at nights, helping me with the hot compresses each and every feeding. She did the mountains of laundry that appeared from all the hot compresses and general messy post partum recovery. She calmed Ethan during the wee morning hours, just so I and husband could catch an hour or two of extra sleep. And she did this all in her quiet manner, rarely complaining, and just getting things done without me or husband or Emma having to ask. Once again, I am floored by her nurturing ways and her ability to power through difficult situations without keeling over from exhaustion. In addition to taking care of the household, the visit from my father wasn't easy on her, but she still managed to get through it all, even with the bad cold.
So here we are, on a Saturday, three weeks after Ethan's arrival, and our household is FINALLY quiet and back to normal, or as normal as it can be with a newborn and under two toddler. Emma's 2 year birthday is coming up soon, and frankly, I am glad that we made the decision to make her birthday a small and quiet celebration this year, because I don't think we can take much more craziness!
And because Emma is still my baby, no matter how old she is, here are some pictures of her, too.
From 4th of July weekend, in our newly redone backyard. Note her sunglasses. She insists on wearing them when she goes outside:
After she got caught pawing through my makeup - that is expensive lip gloss rubbed all over her cheeks. Well, at least the lip gloss was organic...
Coming out of her bath/shower. A hand towel is just the right size!
Here's Ethan a few days after we came home from the hospital:
I got home from the hospital on Monday afternoon. My in laws arrived for a three day stay on Friday morning. I was recovering from delivering Mr. Big Baby. I thought the recovery was going ok, certainly less painful (and fewer stitches!) than the recovery with Emma. But then, during the in law visit, I got mastitis in my right breast. For those who don't know what mastitis is, it is a breast infection caused by clogged milk ducts. It causes fever, chills, flu-like symptoms, including all over body ache, swelling and tenderness of the breast and exhaustion. Lucky me, I got all these symptoms in spades. To make matters worse, Ethan, just like his sister before him, had caused cracked and bleeding nipples during his breastfeeding sessions. On Sunday morning, my sister in law and brother in law arrived. My mother in law had a small birthday BBQ in our newly remodeled backyard (a post for another time), but I was too sick to participate. All our guests left late on Sunday afternoon, but I was still feeling very crappy. One of the remedies for mastitis, in addition to antibiotics, is to massage the affected breast with hot compresses. Well, when the breast is swollen and tender to the touch, the massage can be downright painful, and each time I fed Ethan (every two hours), I had tears in my eyes from the pain of the mastitis and his suckling on my raw, bleeding nipples.
On Sunday night, I got mastitis in my left breast. I couldn't believe it - both breasts were now infected and so painful. The fevers came back because of the new infection and it seriously took so much of my energy to move. Each breastfeeding session, with the massage, feeding and pumping out the extra milk, took over an hour, cutting into the time when I could sleep or rest between feedings. I think I was also just plain exhausted from recovery, staying up at nights with Ethan, trying to spend time with Emma, and visitors. It was all too much, too soon. During this time, Emma was being so great, kissing her brother on his head, patting him, calling him Baby, and coming to my bedside for stories. I felt horrible emotionally because 1) Emma was getting so little attention from me, and 2) breastfeeding, something which I thought would be easier than the first time around with Emma and would be a beautiful bonding experience, had turned into something so overwhelming and painful. I was so close to giving up breastfeeding Ethan, and I cried a few times from pain, sheer exhaustion and guilt.
Finally, on Tuesday, I started to feel better, where I could move around some. My doctor had warned me that I needed lots of rest and sleep to fight off the infections, but seriously, try doing that with a newborn and a toddler in the house.
On Thursday, we got notice that my father, with whom I do not really speak (for so many reasons which are not for this blog), was coming to San Francisco from Korea for a FIVE DAY stay starting on Saturday. He gave us two days notice - so freaking typical. For those who don't know my father, the news of his visit was not exactly good. He is not the type of guest who is easy and he is demanding and very high maintenance. Oh, you might think that this would change because he would know that we have a newborn and toddler in the house, and that I was still sick, but his behavior was pretty much as expected. I won't go into all the details here, but our entire household breathed a sigh of relief when he left for Korea this Thursday morning, without TOO many incidents during the visit. I will say that he was besotted with Emma (not so much with Ethan, but I guess that is because newborns don't really do very much in terms of being entertaining), and I was glad that he got the opportunity to spend time with her. She impressed him by knowing her letters and speaking Korean and English and just being overall cute. As a side note, just to make sure that the I knew the universe was laughing at us, during my father's visit, both my mother and I caught bad colds, from which we are only now just recovering. Still, a bad cold beats mastitis any day!
In addition to chronicling my crazy post partum, I also wanted to use this post as an ode to my mother. I swear she is like Superwoman, and I just don't know how I would have gotten through these past three weeks without her. She was there, doing all the things that I should have, or would have been doing, had I been feeling "normal." She cooked and cleaned for all our guests, and she made sure that there was always something to eat for Emma, husband and myself during these past three weeks. She entertained Emma when I couldn't and when husband had to go back to work after the first week and took her on walks and to the park everyday. She was the one who stayed up with me at nights, helping me with the hot compresses each and every feeding. She did the mountains of laundry that appeared from all the hot compresses and general messy post partum recovery. She calmed Ethan during the wee morning hours, just so I and husband could catch an hour or two of extra sleep. And she did this all in her quiet manner, rarely complaining, and just getting things done without me or husband or Emma having to ask. Once again, I am floored by her nurturing ways and her ability to power through difficult situations without keeling over from exhaustion. In addition to taking care of the household, the visit from my father wasn't easy on her, but she still managed to get through it all, even with the bad cold.
So here we are, on a Saturday, three weeks after Ethan's arrival, and our household is FINALLY quiet and back to normal, or as normal as it can be with a newborn and under two toddler. Emma's 2 year birthday is coming up soon, and frankly, I am glad that we made the decision to make her birthday a small and quiet celebration this year, because I don't think we can take much more craziness!
And because Emma is still my baby, no matter how old she is, here are some pictures of her, too.
From 4th of July weekend, in our newly redone backyard. Note her sunglasses. She insists on wearing them when she goes outside:
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
On a Rainy Day
We fingerpainted!
Then, even though I am technically on maternity leave, I had to work so that I could finish up one last project. Boo. At least I get to work from home now until baby 2 arrives.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
B-Day and Anniversary
My birthday and our wedding anniversary came and went in late May. My husband and I went out to see a movie (our first in the theater, I think, in over a year), and then went out to dinner at Jardiniere, sans bebe Emma. The movie was "meh", but the dinner was fabulous. 
Our waiter was pleasant and knowledgeable and the food was delicious. We had duck confit salad (crispy!), spring asparagus soup, gnocchi with goat butter and spring ramps (little pillows of goodness that melted in your mouth), wild boar prepared three ways and prime rib. Don't worry, the portions, while sufficient, were not so large that we couldn't handle all those dishes. Portion control is how the French can eat things like goat butter and still stay thin! Our waiter even poured me a half glass of wine with dinner (this is the time to get out your pitchforks, people, if you are going to have issues with a pregnant lady having a little wine, which incidentally, my doctor has specifically okayed). The wine was a German pinot noir (never had a German one before) and it was excellent - delicate, fruity, but still with some body and kick. We then had this ridiculous dessert of a chocolate peanut butter "candy bar", served with Kix ice cream. Kix cereal! And it tasted just like the cereal, except in ice cream form.
I meant to take snapshots of the food, but we dug in too quickly. All my husband managed to get was this shot of dessert.
Notice how the "Happy Birthday" is all smeared. That would be because of yours truly, running her finger through the chocolate writing even before the picture could be taken. Ha!
My husband and I don't often get opportunities to go out for a fancy dinner anymore, just the two of us, what with Emma, baby 2 on the way, work schedules, errands, you name it. And for the most part, that is fine. We love taking baby Emma out to eat, but eating with a toddler severely narrows down your eating establishment choices. Our birthday/anniversary dinner was all the more special because of this, I guess, and we both loved it. A special bonus - Tracy de Jardin, the owner of Jardiniere, is featured on Top Chef this season. We don't watch the show, but good to know that we got to try her cuisine. This is truly when living in San Francisco just rocks.
I meant to take snapshots of the food, but we dug in too quickly. All my husband managed to get was this shot of dessert.
My husband and I don't often get opportunities to go out for a fancy dinner anymore, just the two of us, what with Emma, baby 2 on the way, work schedules, errands, you name it. And for the most part, that is fine. We love taking baby Emma out to eat, but eating with a toddler severely narrows down your eating establishment choices. Our birthday/anniversary dinner was all the more special because of this, I guess, and we both loved it. A special bonus - Tracy de Jardin, the owner of Jardiniere, is featured on Top Chef this season. We don't watch the show, but good to know that we got to try her cuisine. This is truly when living in San Francisco just rocks.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Inspirational Words for Women
This is the commencement speech that Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook and one of the "50 most powerful women in business" according to Fortune magazine, gave to the 2011 graduating class of Barnard College. Read the speech - I know it is long, but it is worth reading. It's tough and challenges us women, but it is also inspirational. As a working mother in a rough and still male-dominated profession, I think about these issues ALL THE TIME, and especially how these issues and challenges will affect my daughter as she makes her way in the world. I don't know if I will always remain a corporate peon and whether I will continue to work in my chosen profession, but for as long as I can, and in whatever it is that I chose to do, I will "lean in" and put the pedal to the metal to set an example for my daughter that she can dream big and be a leader in whatever she chooses to do (just maybe not in my profession, ha ha). I am going to show this speech to baby Emma when she is old enough to understand. And one last thought, when Ms. Sandberg says that one of the most important career decisions a woman can make is whether or not to have a life partner and her choice in life partner, I couldn't agree more. I am lucky that my husband is so supportive of me and my career. He is a willing and equal partner in all family duties, and I couldn't do this all without him. I love my choice in life partner. Like my cousin and maid of honor at my wedding said, I "did good"!
"Thank you, President Spar. Members of the board of trustees, esteemed members of the faculty, proud parents, squirming siblings, devoted friends: congratulations to all of you. But especially, congratulations to the magnificent Barnard Class of 2011.
Looking at you all here fills me with great joy, in part because my college roommate, a member of your faculty, Caroline Weber, is here. Carrie, it means so much to me to be at your school, and in part because I work in Silicon Valley, let’s just say I’m not usually in a room with this many women. For the wonderful men who are here today, if you feel a little uncomfortable, we’re really glad you’re here, and no line for the men’s room. It’s worth it.
I graduated from college exactly 20 years ago. And as I am reminded every single day where I work, that makes me really old. Mark Zuckerberg, our founder and my boss, said to me the other day, “Sheryl, when do midlife crises happen? When you’re 30?” Not a good day at the office. But I am old enough to know that most of our lives are filled with days we do not remember. Today is not one of them. You may not remember one word I say. You may not even remember who your graduation speaker is, although for the record, Sheryl with an S. You won’t remember that it was raining and we had to move inside. But you will remember what matters, which is how you feel as you sit here, as you walk across the stage, as you start the next phase of your life.
Today is a day of celebration, a day to celebrate all the hard work that got you to this place where you can sit, kind of sweltering in that gown. Today is a day of thanks, a day to thank all the people that helped you get here, the people who nurtured you and taught you, who held your hand, who dried your tears. Today is a day of reflection. Excuse me, a little laryngitis.
As you leave Barnard today, you leave not just with an education, but you take your place amongst the fortunate. Some of you came here from families where education was expected and emphasized. Others of you had to overcome far more obstacles to get here, and today you become the very first member of your family to graduate from college. What an amazing accomplishment. But no matter where you started, as of today you are all privileged. You are privileged in the most important sense of the word, which is that you have almost boundless opportunity in front of you. So, the question is, what are you going to do with it? What will you do with this education you worked so hard to achieve? What in the world needs to change, and what part do you plan on playing in changing it?
Pulitzer Prize winners Sheryl WuDunn and Nicholas Kristof visited this campus last year and they spoke about their critically important book, Half the Sky. In that book, they assert that the fundamental moral challenge of the 19th century was slavery; of the 20th century, it was totalitarianism; and for our century, it is oppression of girls and women around the world. Their book is a call to arms, to give women all over the world, women who are exactly like us except for the circumstances into which they were born, basic human rights.
Compared to these women, we are lucky. In America, as in the entire developed world, we are equals under the law. But the promise of equality is not equality. As we sit here looking at this magnificent blue-robed class, we have to admit something that’s sad but true: men run the world. Of 190 heads of 2 state, nine are women. Of all the parliaments around the world, 13% of those seats are held by women. Corporate America top jobs, 15% are women; numbers which have not moved at all in the past nine years. Nine years. Of full professors around the United States, only 24% are women.
I recognize that this is a vast improvement from generations in the past. When my mother took her turn to sit in a gown at her graduation, she thought she only had two career options: nursing and teaching. She raised me and my sister to believe that we could do anything, and we believed her. But what is so sad—it doesn’t just make me feel old, it makes me truly sad—is that it’s very clear that my generation is not going to change this problem. Women became 50% of the college graduates in this country in 1981, 30 years ago. Thirty years is plenty of time for those graduates to have gotten to the top of their industries, but we are nowhere close to 50% of the jobs at the top. That means that when the big
decisions are made, the decisions that affect all of our worlds, we do not have an equal voice at that table.
So today, we turn to you. You are the promise for a more equal world. You are our hope. I truly believe that only when we get real equality in our governments, in our businesses, in our companies and our universities, will we start to solve this generation’s central moral problem, which is gender equality. We need women at all levels, including the top, to change the dynamic, reshape the conversation, to make sure women’s voices are heard and heeded, not overlooked and ignored.
So my hope for all of you here, for every single one of you, is that you’re going to walk across the stage and get your diploma. You’re going to go out tonight or maybe all summer and celebrate. You deserve it. And then you’re going to lean way into your career. You’re going to find something you love doing, and you’re going to do it with gusto. You’re going to pick your field and you’re going to ride it all the way to the top.
So, what advice can I give you to help you achieve this goal? The first thing is I encourage you to think big. Studies show very clearly that in our country, in the college-educated part of the population, men are more ambitious than women. They’re more ambitious the day they graduate from college; they remain more ambitious every step along their career path. We will never close the achievement gap until we close the ambition gap. But if all young women start to lean in, we can close the ambition gap right here, right now, if every single one of you leans in. Leadership belongs to those who take it. Leadership starts with you.
The next step is you’re going to have to believe in yourself potentially more than you do today. Studies also show that compared to men, women underestimate their performance. If you ask men and women questions about completely objective criteria such as GPAs or sales goals, men get it wrong slightly high; women get it wrong slightly low. More importantly, if you ask men why they succeeded, men attribute that success to themselves; and women, they attribute it to other factors like working harder, help from others. Ask a woman why she did well on something, and she’ll say, “I got lucky. All of these great people helped me. I worked really hard.” Ask a man and he’ll say or think, “What a dumb question. I’m awesome.” So women need to take a page from men and own their own success.
That’s much easier to say than to do. I know this from my own experience. All along the way, I’ve had all of those moments, not just some of the time; I would say most of the time, where I haven’t felt that I owned my success. I got into college and thought about how much my parents helped me on my essays. I went to the Treasury Department because I was lucky to take the right professor’s class who took me to Treasury. Google, I boarded a rocket ship that took me up with everyone else.
Even to this day, I have those moments. I have those moments all the time, probably far more than you can imagine I would. I know I need to make the adjustments. I know I need to believe in myself and raise my hand, because I’m sitting next to some guy and he thinks he’s awesome. So, to all of you, if you remember nothing else today, remember this: You are awesome. I’m not suggesting you be boastful. No one likes that in men or women. But I am suggesting that believing in yourself is the first necessary step to coming even close to achieving your potential.
You should also know that there are external forces out there that are holding you back from really owning your success. Studies have shown—and yes, I kind of like studies—that success and likeability are positively correlated for men and negatively correlated for women. This means that as men get more successful and powerful, both men and women like them better. As women get more powerful and successful, everyone, including women, likes them less.
I’ve experienced this firsthand. When I first joined Facebook, there was a well-read blog out in the Valley that devoted some incredibly serious pixels to trashing me. Anonymous sources called me a liar, two-faced, about to ruin Facebook forever. I cried some when I was alone, I lost a bunch of sleep. Then I told myself it didn’t matter. Then everyone else told me it didn’t matter, which just reminded me of one thing: they were reading it too. I fantasized about all kinds of rejoinders, but in the end, my best and only response was just to do my job and do it well. When Facebook’s performance improved, the trash talk went away.
Do I believe I was judged more harshly because of my double-Xs? Yes. Do I think this will happen to me again in my career? Sure. I told myself that next time I’m not going to let it bother me, I won’t cry. I’m not sure that’s true. But I know I’ll get through it. I know that the truth comes out in the end, and I know how to keep my head down and just keep working.
If you think big, if you own your own success, if you lead, it won’t just have external costs, but it may cause you some personal sacrifice. Men make far fewer compromises than women to balance professional success and personal fulfillment. That’s because the majority of housework and childcare still falls to women. If a heterosexual couple work full time, the man will do—the woman, sorry—the woman will do two times the amount of housework and three times the amount of childcare that her husband will do. From my mother’s generation to mine, we have made far more progress making the workforce even than we have making the home even, and the latter is hurting the former very dramatically. So it’s a bit counterintuitive, but the most important career decision you’re going to make is whether or not you have a life partner and who that partner is. If you pick someone who’s willing to share the burdens and the joys of your personal life, you’re going to go further. A world where men ran half our homes and women ran half our institutions would be just a much better world.
I have a six-year-old son and a three-year-old daughter. I want more choices for both of them. I want my son to have the choice to be a full partner not just at work, but at home; and I want my daughter to have a choice to do either. But if she chooses work, to be well-liked for what she accomplishes. We can’t wait for the term “work/life balance” to be something that’s not just discussed at women’s conferences.
Of course not everyone wants to jump into the workforce and rise to the top. Life is going to bring many twists and turns, and each of us, each of you, have to forge your own path. I have deep respect for my friends who make different choices than I do, who choose the really hard job of raising children full time, who choose to go part time, or who choose to pursue more nontraditional goals. These are choices that you may make some day, and these are fine choices.
But until that day, do everything you can to make sure that when that day comes, you even have a choice to make. Because what I have seen most clearly in my 20 years in the workforce is this: Women almost never make one decision to leave the workforce. It doesn’t happen that way. They make small little decisions along the way that eventually lead them there. Maybe it’s the last year of med school when they say, I’ll take a slightly less interesting specialty because I’m going to want more balance one day. Maybe it’s the fifth year in a law firm when they say, I’m not even sure I should go for partner, because I know I’m going to want kids eventually.
These women don’t even have relationships, and already they’re finding balance, balance for responsibilities they don’t yet have. And from that moment, they start quietly leaning back. The problem is, often they don’t even realize it. Everyone I know who has voluntarily left a child at home
and come back to the workforce—and let’s face it, it’s not an option for most people. But for people in this audience, many of you are going to have this choice. Everyone who makes that choice will tell you the exact same thing: You’re only going to do it if your job is compelling.
If several years ago you stopped challenging yourself, you’re going to be bored. If you work for some guy who you used to sit next to, and really, he should be working for you, you’re going to feel undervalued, and you won’t come back. So, my heartfelt message to all of you is, and start thinking about this now, do not leave before you leave. Do not lean back; lean in. Put your foot on that gas pedal and keep it there until the day you have to make a decision, and then make a decision. That’s the only way, when that day comes, you’ll even have a decision to make.
What about the rat race in the first place? Is it worthwhile? Or are you just buying into someone else’s definition of success? Only you can decide that, and you’ll have to decide it over and over and over. But if you think it’s a rat race, before you drop out, take a deep breath. Maybe you picked the wrong job. Try again. And then try again. Try until you find something that stirs your passion, a job that matters to you and matters to others. It is the ultimate luxury to combine passion and contribution. It’s also a very clear path to happiness.
At Facebook we have a very broad mission. We don’t just want you to post all your pictures of tonight up there and use Facebook to keep in touch, even though we want that, so do a lot of that. We want to connect the whole world. We want to make the whole world more open and more transparent. The one thing I’ve learned working with great entrepreneurs—Mark Zuckerberg at Facebook, Larry Page and Sergey Brin at Google—that if you want to make a difference, you better think big and dream big, right from day one.
We try at Facebook to keep all of our employees thinking big all day. We have these posters in red we put around the walls. One says, “Fortune favors the bold.” Another says, “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?” That question echoes Barnard alum Anna Quindlen, who said that she majored in unafraid. Don’t let your fears overwhelm your desire. Let the barriers you face—and there will be barriers—be external, not internal. Fortune does favor the bold, and I promise that you will never know what you’re capable of unless you try.
You’re going to walk off this stage today and you’re going to start your adult life. Start out by aiming high. Like everyone here, I have great hopes for the members of this graduating class. I hope you find true meaning, contentment and passion in your life. I hope that you navigate the hard times and you come out with greater strength and resolve. I hope that whatever balance you seek, you find it with your eyes wide open. And I hope that you—yes, you—each and every one of you have the ambition to run the world, because this world needs you to run it. Women all around the world are counting on you. I’m counting on you.
I know that’s a big challenge and responsibility, a really daunting task, but you can do it. You can do it if you lean in. So go home tonight and ask yourselves, “What would I do if I weren’t afraid?” And then go do it. Congratulations, 2011."
"Thank you, President Spar. Members of the board of trustees, esteemed members of the faculty, proud parents, squirming siblings, devoted friends: congratulations to all of you. But especially, congratulations to the magnificent Barnard Class of 2011.
Looking at you all here fills me with great joy, in part because my college roommate, a member of your faculty, Caroline Weber, is here. Carrie, it means so much to me to be at your school, and in part because I work in Silicon Valley, let’s just say I’m not usually in a room with this many women. For the wonderful men who are here today, if you feel a little uncomfortable, we’re really glad you’re here, and no line for the men’s room. It’s worth it.
I graduated from college exactly 20 years ago. And as I am reminded every single day where I work, that makes me really old. Mark Zuckerberg, our founder and my boss, said to me the other day, “Sheryl, when do midlife crises happen? When you’re 30?” Not a good day at the office. But I am old enough to know that most of our lives are filled with days we do not remember. Today is not one of them. You may not remember one word I say. You may not even remember who your graduation speaker is, although for the record, Sheryl with an S. You won’t remember that it was raining and we had to move inside. But you will remember what matters, which is how you feel as you sit here, as you walk across the stage, as you start the next phase of your life.
Today is a day of celebration, a day to celebrate all the hard work that got you to this place where you can sit, kind of sweltering in that gown. Today is a day of thanks, a day to thank all the people that helped you get here, the people who nurtured you and taught you, who held your hand, who dried your tears. Today is a day of reflection. Excuse me, a little laryngitis.
As you leave Barnard today, you leave not just with an education, but you take your place amongst the fortunate. Some of you came here from families where education was expected and emphasized. Others of you had to overcome far more obstacles to get here, and today you become the very first member of your family to graduate from college. What an amazing accomplishment. But no matter where you started, as of today you are all privileged. You are privileged in the most important sense of the word, which is that you have almost boundless opportunity in front of you. So, the question is, what are you going to do with it? What will you do with this education you worked so hard to achieve? What in the world needs to change, and what part do you plan on playing in changing it?
Pulitzer Prize winners Sheryl WuDunn and Nicholas Kristof visited this campus last year and they spoke about their critically important book, Half the Sky. In that book, they assert that the fundamental moral challenge of the 19th century was slavery; of the 20th century, it was totalitarianism; and for our century, it is oppression of girls and women around the world. Their book is a call to arms, to give women all over the world, women who are exactly like us except for the circumstances into which they were born, basic human rights.
Compared to these women, we are lucky. In America, as in the entire developed world, we are equals under the law. But the promise of equality is not equality. As we sit here looking at this magnificent blue-robed class, we have to admit something that’s sad but true: men run the world. Of 190 heads of 2 state, nine are women. Of all the parliaments around the world, 13% of those seats are held by women. Corporate America top jobs, 15% are women; numbers which have not moved at all in the past nine years. Nine years. Of full professors around the United States, only 24% are women.
I recognize that this is a vast improvement from generations in the past. When my mother took her turn to sit in a gown at her graduation, she thought she only had two career options: nursing and teaching. She raised me and my sister to believe that we could do anything, and we believed her. But what is so sad—it doesn’t just make me feel old, it makes me truly sad—is that it’s very clear that my generation is not going to change this problem. Women became 50% of the college graduates in this country in 1981, 30 years ago. Thirty years is plenty of time for those graduates to have gotten to the top of their industries, but we are nowhere close to 50% of the jobs at the top. That means that when the big
decisions are made, the decisions that affect all of our worlds, we do not have an equal voice at that table.
So today, we turn to you. You are the promise for a more equal world. You are our hope. I truly believe that only when we get real equality in our governments, in our businesses, in our companies and our universities, will we start to solve this generation’s central moral problem, which is gender equality. We need women at all levels, including the top, to change the dynamic, reshape the conversation, to make sure women’s voices are heard and heeded, not overlooked and ignored.
So my hope for all of you here, for every single one of you, is that you’re going to walk across the stage and get your diploma. You’re going to go out tonight or maybe all summer and celebrate. You deserve it. And then you’re going to lean way into your career. You’re going to find something you love doing, and you’re going to do it with gusto. You’re going to pick your field and you’re going to ride it all the way to the top.
So, what advice can I give you to help you achieve this goal? The first thing is I encourage you to think big. Studies show very clearly that in our country, in the college-educated part of the population, men are more ambitious than women. They’re more ambitious the day they graduate from college; they remain more ambitious every step along their career path. We will never close the achievement gap until we close the ambition gap. But if all young women start to lean in, we can close the ambition gap right here, right now, if every single one of you leans in. Leadership belongs to those who take it. Leadership starts with you.
The next step is you’re going to have to believe in yourself potentially more than you do today. Studies also show that compared to men, women underestimate their performance. If you ask men and women questions about completely objective criteria such as GPAs or sales goals, men get it wrong slightly high; women get it wrong slightly low. More importantly, if you ask men why they succeeded, men attribute that success to themselves; and women, they attribute it to other factors like working harder, help from others. Ask a woman why she did well on something, and she’ll say, “I got lucky. All of these great people helped me. I worked really hard.” Ask a man and he’ll say or think, “What a dumb question. I’m awesome.” So women need to take a page from men and own their own success.
That’s much easier to say than to do. I know this from my own experience. All along the way, I’ve had all of those moments, not just some of the time; I would say most of the time, where I haven’t felt that I owned my success. I got into college and thought about how much my parents helped me on my essays. I went to the Treasury Department because I was lucky to take the right professor’s class who took me to Treasury. Google, I boarded a rocket ship that took me up with everyone else.
Even to this day, I have those moments. I have those moments all the time, probably far more than you can imagine I would. I know I need to make the adjustments. I know I need to believe in myself and raise my hand, because I’m sitting next to some guy and he thinks he’s awesome. So, to all of you, if you remember nothing else today, remember this: You are awesome. I’m not suggesting you be boastful. No one likes that in men or women. But I am suggesting that believing in yourself is the first necessary step to coming even close to achieving your potential.
You should also know that there are external forces out there that are holding you back from really owning your success. Studies have shown—and yes, I kind of like studies—that success and likeability are positively correlated for men and negatively correlated for women. This means that as men get more successful and powerful, both men and women like them better. As women get more powerful and successful, everyone, including women, likes them less.
I’ve experienced this firsthand. When I first joined Facebook, there was a well-read blog out in the Valley that devoted some incredibly serious pixels to trashing me. Anonymous sources called me a liar, two-faced, about to ruin Facebook forever. I cried some when I was alone, I lost a bunch of sleep. Then I told myself it didn’t matter. Then everyone else told me it didn’t matter, which just reminded me of one thing: they were reading it too. I fantasized about all kinds of rejoinders, but in the end, my best and only response was just to do my job and do it well. When Facebook’s performance improved, the trash talk went away.
Do I believe I was judged more harshly because of my double-Xs? Yes. Do I think this will happen to me again in my career? Sure. I told myself that next time I’m not going to let it bother me, I won’t cry. I’m not sure that’s true. But I know I’ll get through it. I know that the truth comes out in the end, and I know how to keep my head down and just keep working.
If you think big, if you own your own success, if you lead, it won’t just have external costs, but it may cause you some personal sacrifice. Men make far fewer compromises than women to balance professional success and personal fulfillment. That’s because the majority of housework and childcare still falls to women. If a heterosexual couple work full time, the man will do—the woman, sorry—the woman will do two times the amount of housework and three times the amount of childcare that her husband will do. From my mother’s generation to mine, we have made far more progress making the workforce even than we have making the home even, and the latter is hurting the former very dramatically. So it’s a bit counterintuitive, but the most important career decision you’re going to make is whether or not you have a life partner and who that partner is. If you pick someone who’s willing to share the burdens and the joys of your personal life, you’re going to go further. A world where men ran half our homes and women ran half our institutions would be just a much better world.
I have a six-year-old son and a three-year-old daughter. I want more choices for both of them. I want my son to have the choice to be a full partner not just at work, but at home; and I want my daughter to have a choice to do either. But if she chooses work, to be well-liked for what she accomplishes. We can’t wait for the term “work/life balance” to be something that’s not just discussed at women’s conferences.
Of course not everyone wants to jump into the workforce and rise to the top. Life is going to bring many twists and turns, and each of us, each of you, have to forge your own path. I have deep respect for my friends who make different choices than I do, who choose the really hard job of raising children full time, who choose to go part time, or who choose to pursue more nontraditional goals. These are choices that you may make some day, and these are fine choices.
But until that day, do everything you can to make sure that when that day comes, you even have a choice to make. Because what I have seen most clearly in my 20 years in the workforce is this: Women almost never make one decision to leave the workforce. It doesn’t happen that way. They make small little decisions along the way that eventually lead them there. Maybe it’s the last year of med school when they say, I’ll take a slightly less interesting specialty because I’m going to want more balance one day. Maybe it’s the fifth year in a law firm when they say, I’m not even sure I should go for partner, because I know I’m going to want kids eventually.
These women don’t even have relationships, and already they’re finding balance, balance for responsibilities they don’t yet have. And from that moment, they start quietly leaning back. The problem is, often they don’t even realize it. Everyone I know who has voluntarily left a child at home
and come back to the workforce—and let’s face it, it’s not an option for most people. But for people in this audience, many of you are going to have this choice. Everyone who makes that choice will tell you the exact same thing: You’re only going to do it if your job is compelling.
If several years ago you stopped challenging yourself, you’re going to be bored. If you work for some guy who you used to sit next to, and really, he should be working for you, you’re going to feel undervalued, and you won’t come back. So, my heartfelt message to all of you is, and start thinking about this now, do not leave before you leave. Do not lean back; lean in. Put your foot on that gas pedal and keep it there until the day you have to make a decision, and then make a decision. That’s the only way, when that day comes, you’ll even have a decision to make.
What about the rat race in the first place? Is it worthwhile? Or are you just buying into someone else’s definition of success? Only you can decide that, and you’ll have to decide it over and over and over. But if you think it’s a rat race, before you drop out, take a deep breath. Maybe you picked the wrong job. Try again. And then try again. Try until you find something that stirs your passion, a job that matters to you and matters to others. It is the ultimate luxury to combine passion and contribution. It’s also a very clear path to happiness.
At Facebook we have a very broad mission. We don’t just want you to post all your pictures of tonight up there and use Facebook to keep in touch, even though we want that, so do a lot of that. We want to connect the whole world. We want to make the whole world more open and more transparent. The one thing I’ve learned working with great entrepreneurs—Mark Zuckerberg at Facebook, Larry Page and Sergey Brin at Google—that if you want to make a difference, you better think big and dream big, right from day one.
We try at Facebook to keep all of our employees thinking big all day. We have these posters in red we put around the walls. One says, “Fortune favors the bold.” Another says, “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?” That question echoes Barnard alum Anna Quindlen, who said that she majored in unafraid. Don’t let your fears overwhelm your desire. Let the barriers you face—and there will be barriers—be external, not internal. Fortune does favor the bold, and I promise that you will never know what you’re capable of unless you try.
You’re going to walk off this stage today and you’re going to start your adult life. Start out by aiming high. Like everyone here, I have great hopes for the members of this graduating class. I hope you find true meaning, contentment and passion in your life. I hope that you navigate the hard times and you come out with greater strength and resolve. I hope that whatever balance you seek, you find it with your eyes wide open. And I hope that you—yes, you—each and every one of you have the ambition to run the world, because this world needs you to run it. Women all around the world are counting on you. I’m counting on you.
I know that’s a big challenge and responsibility, a really daunting task, but you can do it. You can do it if you lean in. So go home tonight and ask yourselves, “What would I do if I weren’t afraid?” And then go do it. Congratulations, 2011."
Monday, June 6, 2011
No Baldies Around Here
Emma's aunt got her a doll last Christmas. The doll is named "Baby", or at least that is what Emma calls her doll. She carries Baby around, feeds Baby with a cup, puts Baby in a doll stroller and pushes Baby all around the house, and gives Baby kisses.
For a while now, Emma has been traumatized by one aspect of Baby. Baby has no hair. Emma will point to her own head, say "'Air" (Emma still can't say "H", and that is why Hammi, a shortened version of the Korean word for Grandma, still comes out sounding a lot like "mommy" or "money."), then point to poor unfortunate Baby's head, and then say "No" and shake her head or make a hand motion that means "None."
So that is why Emma's newest endeavor must be viewed really as humanitarian, and not really that of a mischievous toddler:
Now Baby has hair. And Emma tries to even brush Baby's new head of hair.
P.S. Just to be clear, though, this is NOT an entreaty to people to get Emma a new doll with hair-you know who you are ;)
For a while now, Emma has been traumatized by one aspect of Baby. Baby has no hair. Emma will point to her own head, say "'Air" (Emma still can't say "H", and that is why Hammi, a shortened version of the Korean word for Grandma, still comes out sounding a lot like "mommy" or "money."), then point to poor unfortunate Baby's head, and then say "No" and shake her head or make a hand motion that means "None."
So that is why Emma's newest endeavor must be viewed really as humanitarian, and not really that of a mischievous toddler:
Now Baby has hair. And Emma tries to even brush Baby's new head of hair.
P.S. Just to be clear, though, this is NOT an entreaty to people to get Emma a new doll with hair-you know who you are ;)
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